One Year On!

Another 2 pound gone this week, which I think if I’m honest I’ve sweated it out running up and down stairs unpacking boxes. Although moving house in one of the hottest summers we’ve ever had may not have been my wisest idea, it has boosted my weight loss, the unpacking and taking Cyril on exploring the area walks have combined to make my trousers feel a bit looser. Now I’m settled, I’ve also joined a gym and as of Monday (after my induction) I will be experimenting with things such as Yoga-lates, Kick fit and a rock n roll dance class. I’m also just a pound of having lost a total of 35 pounds, it’s been a long slog, but I’m getting there!

 This week is quite significant for me, tomorrow marks a year to the day when I handed in my notice and decided to leave a job that made me thoroughly and utterly miserable. I’ve thought a lot about how much has changed in this last year, how much I’ve changed.

  A year ago, I was suffering from depression. In October 2011, I took a couple of weeks off in a bid to try and make myself feel better. I remember finally breaking down, it was a really silly thing that sent me over the edge, but I went home in tears, took myself off to the doctors and was signed off for 2 weeks. The doctor was great, I refused to go on any tablets, but said I would like some counselling. The doctor agreed, but warned me it could take a few months to get a place. During the time I was off, I did my best to relax and I remember getting a text from a bloke I worked with moaning about another bloke we worked with. I text back to say that for the time being I was avoiding all work things for a while and needed a break. He text back the words “WOW, I can’t believe you’re being this selfish” I switched my phone off.

  When I did go back to work, no one really asked what had been the matter and I think everyone assumed I was “better” Looking back I really wasn’t, but I carried on and adopted a “tits and teeth” policy, every morning I would drag myself out of bed, dress in whatever fit (normally something black) and go to work, I’d try and join in, but I basically didn’t care. I’m not saying that I was blameless because I know I must have been a nightmare. Because I didn’t care about me, I couldn’t really be bothered with anyone else. Listening to the moaning and the bitching drove me crazy. I’d have to stop myself screaming “why do you care if you have to wash a few tea towels, My Mum’s dead, so shut up and wash the tea towels, because you’re on the rota once a year!”

  Eventually I stopped pretending, I’d cry on my way to work, I’d cry on my way home, I’d sneak off to the toilets to have a cry and I’d hate Sunday evenings cos they signalled me having to go back! It was down to my Dad and sister who recognised that if I didn’t get out I was going to have a full on breakdown, so a year ago my Dad told me to hand my notice in.

  It wasn’t an easy process leaving, but for all kinds of reasons, I wont go into it.

  It’s taken me a while to sort myself out, it’s been a gradual process, I didn’t just jump out of bed the following morning with a spring in my step. I took a while to figure out who I was again and what I wanted. The counselling really helped me, I talked about all kinds of things with her and it helped, sometimes talking to a stranger is easier. I made a list of stuff I enjoyed doing, simple stuff – reading a book in the bath, making things, listening to music, having a cup of coffee and watching the world go by. All the things that I always said I was too busy to do because work came first. I made myself do at least one of these things everyday and I just made time for me again. I hate hearing the phrase “one day I’ll do….” Because what if your one day never gets here?

  Lucy and I have also set up our own business (despite the questions I was asked when I was leaving – have you won the lottery? Are you pregnant? Are you dying? Etc etc) I actually need to work, so Lucy and I have set up something which we both believe in and can see growing and the best thing is, our hard work is starting to pay off!  We work really long hard hours, people assume when you work for yourself you sit around watching “Jeremy Kyle”. I love every single second I work now, I’ve met some great people and been amazed by the support we’ve had from friends. Being my own boss also means I can have a dog and Cyril comes into work with me everyday (not that he’s much use) and despite saying I’d wait a while to move home, I’ve done that too, so I’m closer to my family and friends.

Me & Cyril

  Everything combined, I think that’s helped put me in a place where I care about me again, I want to look nice, I want to to lose my weight and I only cry now if Mansfield Town lose and lets face it as they got promoted at the end of last season, even my tears on that front have been very limited!

  So this blog is really a chance for me to say a massive thank you to my Dad, my sister and everyone else who’s been around this last year. I’m not sure I can put my gratitude into the right words, but I think this quote sums it up"I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom."

Me & Lucy August 2012

Me & Cyril May 2013