F.C.L (Fat Club Lie)

I read a Facebook post today which really made me laugh about the rules of “Fat Club”, I’ve shared it on my Facebook page if you want to check it out. The reason it made me laugh so much is because it’s all TRUE!

  Fat Club is unlike any other club you’ll ever join, because it’s a place where you can do the following;

I think I admire my Weight Watchers more than anyone else in the world, because every week she smiles and nods and manages to avoid shouting “what a crock of s**t” at the top of her voice.

   

Week after week (and I include myself in this) people who are good, honest and decent people, the type of people who would help an old lady across the road, who bought a red nose for Comic Relief and instill the virtues of telling the truth to their children, stand before another human being and lie.

 

Picture the scene, it's a draughty church hall, there's a line of people wearing their lightest close and flip flops despite the weather and they have a look of slight fear and dread on their faces. The conversations in the room  go something like this;

Fat Club Guru; “have you had a good week?”

You; “yes, I’ve stuck to the plan all week”

Fat Club Guru: “you’ve put 3 pounds on”

You: (*looking sad and shocked and gutted*) “WHAATTTTTT???? I don’t know how that happened, I genuinely don’t know how I’ve managed to put 3 pounds on. I’m gutted”

If you’re a real pro at the “FCL” (Fat Club Lie) you manage to shake your head as you put your shoes, jumper, belt, earrings, bracelet back on… all the things you took off in the vague hope that when you got on the scales your week of lies wouldn’t show up! You then walk off looking sad, disappointed and a little dejected.

 

  The first time you do it, it feels strange, slightly odd, there’s adrenaline coursing through your veins! Like the first time you drink alcohol or smoke a cigarette when you’re a teenager! There’s a sense of danger, the thrill you are obviously flouting the rules.

  The lie ..... it’s only a little one, like the one you tell your mum,

Mum; “Have you been smoking?”

You: “No, there were some older kids at the party they were smoking”

You know, she knows your lying, you know you’re lying, but will she say? Will you crumble and tell the truth? Will she challenge you? Will some kind of thunderbolt actually strike you down?

Not actual scene from my teenage years, I was never hit by a thunderbolt.

  It doesn’t….no one says a thing…. You’re home dry and then (SPOILER ALERT) just like Kevin Spacey at the end of “The Usual Suspects”, the moment you leave Fat Club and your out of view of the Leader, your swagger returns, your hunched sad shoulders straighten, the smile dances around your lips and you get in the car and turn Bruno mars up full blast (*Bruno Mars is optional in this scenario)

You’ve done it!

Now all you have to do is drive to a chip shop just far enough from class that none of your fellow conspirators might see you, but close enough to home that your chips don't end up cold!

NOTE FROM KATIE– I’m writing this for a friend, I’ve never resorted to such treachery!

The Filling Cabinet

Every office has one, a filling cabinet, they are the bane of the life of anyone who is trying to watch their weight.

  Now before you e-mail me, to say I’ve spelt it wrong, it should be “filing cabinet”, I’d like to point out that offices have both, you’ve probably just never realised that what’s it called.

 Allow me to explain, the “FILING Cabinet”, is a big silver thing that contains all the crap no one is really sure what to do with, it’s the thing you sort out in that period between Christmas & New Year when you have nothing else to do.

  The "FILLING” Cabinet is also all of the above, but it’s the cabinet where any food bought into the office is placed.

  Cakes for people’s birthday, left over buffet from a board meeting, the holiday sweets from Ben in accounts trip to Magaluf.

  The FILLING Cabinet is the Joker to the dieter’s Batman, the Moriarty to the Weight Watcher’s Sherlock, the Phil Mitchell to the slimmer’s Ian Beale….. you get the point, it’s their nemesis!!!

  This morning when I arrived at work, some kind of cake and chocolate fairy had obviously been at work overnight. The FILLING cabinet was awash with chocolate muffins, doughnut, Quality Street and biscuits! As I hurried by them to the kitchen to make a brew.

Devil Katie was shouting.....

“Do you know what goes well with a brew? A Chocolate muffin”

Angel Katie, had my back though…

“You said that Christmas would start on Christmas Eve and until then you would stick to your diet”

Devil Katie tried a different tact…

“You’re already fat, what difference will one chocolate muffin make”

As I picked up my brew and walked out the kitchen, I paused briefly by the muffins.

And then I walked away…..

Do you know what also goes well with a brew? A satsuma (It doesn’t, but it’s better for me when I get on the scales!)

Weight Loss Zoltar

At the beginning of the year, I decided that to celebrate my 40^th in July, there would be a calendar of events and I would spend as much time as I could celebrating my “big birthday”. These events have included trips to the theatre, a “Come Dine with Me” competition with friends, weekends away, ghost hunts, a spa day, scarecrow making (don’t ask) afternoon tea and then a couple of amazing holidays.

  It’s safe to say that by the time I stepped off the plane last week at the end of what was technically the last in the calendar of events, I was well aware that not only did I have 7 months of amazingly happy memories, I also had a slightly expanded waistline!

  So from a calendar of birthday events to a Christmas countdown. I unashamedly use the “C” word, “The X Factor” is back and “Strictly Come Dancing” starts this weekend and everyone knows that means Christmas is on the way.

  There’s 13 weeks until the big man arrives, so even if I only lose a pound a week, that’s almost a stone gone.

  As with all great plans, they start with getting on the scales…. Well maybe not all great plans, I’m sure when Christopher Columbus set sail for the new world, he didn’t say “wait a sec chaps, I just need to see how much I weigh before I set off and make history”.

  However, that’s exactly how my plan began (not the new world bit) I got on my scales in my bathroom and had a little cry, according to them I’d put on 5 stones… was that possible? I got off and on again only to discover that I’d now lost 10 stone and was bordering on dangerously thin. I haven’t spent years reading mystery novels not to not have learnt some detective skills. I deduced my scales were about as reliable as the England football team at a major international tournament!

  Heading to the gym, I thought I’d use their all singing, all dancing scales, the ones that measure your height, weight, BMI, shoe size, length of your hair etc. 

   I’d given myself a stern talking to all the way to the gym, that even if the changing room was full, I would still get on them. I would brave the embarrassment of putting my pound in the machine and stepping on them. What did it matter if people were in there? It’s not like they’d be able to hear what I weighed! However ideal scenario…. The changing room would be empty (cue my use of visualization techniques)

  Walking into the changing room, I realized I was good at this visualization malarkey…. The changing room was empty! I made a note to work on the “me and Matt Goss get married visualisation”

  I put my pound in

*** changing room door opens, in walks two thin women***

I take my shoes off and step on the scale

*** changing room door opens again, in walks another woman*

I grab the side handles of the scales…

At that point, a great secret was revealed, it turns out the scales at my gym are the weighing equivalent of flipping Zoltar.

It’s big booming voice echoed all over the changing room “If you want to know your BMI, keep holding on to the handles”

  I could feel myself start to flush scarlet… how far would weight loss Zoltar go? Would he announce to the world my vital statistics, or would I find myself being turned into a 12-year-old forced to launch a comedy style mission to find weight loss Zoltar so I could turn myself back, whilst learning a few important life lessons along the way and cementing my lifelong friendships?

  I began hoping for number 2…. anything rather than those numbers being read out loud!

  Fortunately, weight loss Zoltar then shut his face and simply printed me off a ticket with a helpful suggestion of a goal weight.

  Whilst the ticket didn’t make for pretty reading, I’ve decided it probably deserves a place in my memory book, if only because it signifies the start of phase 2 of the calendar of events. A calendar that involves trips to the gym!