Ever
since I first saw the film “Baby Boom”, I’ve had romantic notions about packing
my bags moving to a small town with a population of 50. There I would meet the
man of my dreams, who coincidentally would be the only single man in the town,
devilishly handsome with a winning personality, a cracking sense of humour and
is the local vet. The reality is I’d probably move there, they wouldn’t welcome
me because “I wasn’t from these parts” and the only single man would be in his
80’s and not looking for a long term relationship!
I have similar such notions with yoga. Ever
since Geri Halliwell quit the Spice Girls, dyed her hair a subtler shade of
strawberry blonde and ditched the Union Jack dress for yoga pants, I have wanted
to take up yoga. As the images of Geri doing yoga on the beach in her bikini,
whilst NBF George Michael sat there watching, I’ve wanted to take up yoga. Then
I could practice my downward facing dog on the beach, whilst my 80’s popstar
best friend watched on.
Last night, my romantic notion became a
reality! Although there was no beach involved, no George Michael and I
certainly wasn’t a demurer version of Ginger Spice!
Despite having a hacking cough, I thought it
would be a good idea to go along to Body Balance, a hybrid of yoga and Pilates.
By the time Lucy and I had got our matts, the only spaces left in the class
were right at the front. That in itself was bad enough, but my spot was not
only right at the front…. But right in front of the teacher!
Even when it’s a class I’ve done for a while,
I really don’t like standing in front of the teacher, there’s that awkward
moment, where you can’t avoid eye contact, you might go the wrong way and bang
into them and most importantly EVERYONE ELSE CAN SEE YOU!
As I practiced my sun salutations and moved
into warrior pose, I felt less Geri Halliwell and more Jerry Springer.
“Turn
your chest and open it towards the sun” purred the teacher as she stood firm in
warrior pose and arched her back. I couldn’t stop the thought of if I turned my
chest towards the sun, I’d probably cause a total eclipse!
In downward facing dog, presented me with two
worrying situations
1 1) The man facing me
was pretty much getting a full on view down my top! I imagine the sight of my
scaffolding like sports bra combined with my jelly belly was hardly adding to
his serene and calming experience.
2) There was every
chance I would be suffocated by my own boobs.
I
thought by the time we got to the hip stretches I had nailed it, but it turned
out my stretches were the body balance equivalent of Joey from “Friends”
learning how to speak French.
At the end of the class as we all lay on the
floor and “put down the troubles of our day” and breathed ourselves into a
relaxing state, it became apparent that I couldn’t even do that! Having a cough
and laying still isn’t really an option so I spent 10 minutes trying not to
choke to death, so that I didn’t disturb the class! Fortunately, I was saved by
a lady who burst into the room thinking it was the start of the class. She
caused such a kerfuffle, I was able to sneak in a cheeky cough.
So my romantic notion, didn’t quite live up
to the reality! But I’m pretty willing to bet before Geri did a handstand on
the beach in public, she fell on her ass a few times. So I’ll go back next week
only this time, I’ll do the following
1) I'll take my own matt, so I can stand at the back
2) Wear a high neck
t-shirt
2 3) Spend the next
week trying to convince an 80’s pop star to be my NBF and come to class with
me!
