Romantic Notions

Ever since I first saw the film “Baby Boom”, I’ve had romantic notions about packing my bags moving to a small town with a population of 50. There I would meet the man of my dreams, who coincidentally would be the only single man in the town, devilishly handsome with a winning personality, a cracking sense of humour and is the local vet. The reality is I’d probably move there, they wouldn’t welcome me because “I wasn’t from these parts” and the only single man would be in his 80’s and not looking for a long term relationship!

  I have similar such notions with yoga. Ever since Geri Halliwell quit the Spice Girls, dyed her hair a subtler shade of strawberry blonde and ditched the Union Jack dress for yoga pants, I have wanted to take up yoga. As the images of Geri doing yoga on the beach in her bikini, whilst NBF George Michael sat there watching, I’ve wanted to take up yoga. Then I could practice my downward facing dog on the beach, whilst my 80’s popstar best friend watched on.

  Last night, my romantic notion became a reality! Although there was no beach involved, no George Michael and I certainly wasn’t a demurer version of Ginger Spice!

  Despite having a hacking cough, I thought it would be a good idea to go along to Body Balance, a hybrid of yoga and Pilates. By the time Lucy and I had got our matts, the only spaces left in the class were right at the front. That in itself was bad enough, but my spot was not only right at the front…. But right in front of the teacher!

  Even when it’s a class I’ve done for a while, I really don’t like standing in front of the teacher, there’s that awkward moment, where you can’t avoid eye contact, you might go the wrong way and bang into them and most importantly EVERYONE ELSE CAN SEE YOU!

  As I practiced my sun salutations and moved into warrior pose, I felt less Geri Halliwell and more Jerry Springer.

“Turn your chest and open it towards the sun” purred the teacher as she stood firm in warrior pose and arched her back. I couldn’t stop the thought of if I turned my chest towards the sun, I’d probably cause a total eclipse!

  In downward facing dog, presented me with two worrying situations

1   1) The man facing me was pretty much getting a full on view down my top! I imagine the sight of my scaffolding like sports bra combined with my jelly belly was hardly adding to his serene and calming experience.

      2) There was every chance I would be suffocated by my own boobs.

I thought by the time we got to the hip stretches I had nailed it, but it turned out my stretches were the body balance equivalent of Joey from “Friends” learning how to speak French.

  At the end of the class as we all lay on the floor and “put down the troubles of our day” and breathed ourselves into a relaxing state, it became apparent that I couldn’t even do that! Having a cough and laying still isn’t really an option so I spent 10 minutes trying not to choke to death, so that I didn’t disturb the class! Fortunately, I was saved by a lady who burst into the room thinking it was the start of the class. She caused such a kerfuffle, I was able to sneak in a cheeky cough.

  So my romantic notion, didn’t quite live up to the reality! But I’m pretty willing to bet before Geri did a handstand on the beach in public, she fell on her ass a few times. So I’ll go back next week only this time, I’ll do the following

1) I'll take my own matt, so I can stand at the back

2) Wear a high neck t-shirt

2    3) Spend the next week trying to convince an 80’s pop star to be my NBF and come to class with me!

30-Day Shred

Today has not been my most successful weigh in ever, I’ve put on 4 ½ pounds, which is my largest weight gain since I started weight watchers, so I am really not proud of myself! I knew my late night scampi and chips and weekend wine would catch up with me, so I guess I really only have myself to blame! I did however bravely admit to my misdemeanour in class and got “done” (Nottinghamshire term for told off) by my old mate Karen, seeing her little disappointed face made me feel even more guilty, I think she was borderline making me drop and give her 10, but luckily for me another member with a cheese and biscuit fetish came to my rescue.

 I have decided that I am going to do my own version of the “30 Day Shred”, for those of you who aren’t aware of it, it’s a workout put together by Jillian Michaels, one of the trainers from “The Biggest Loser”. The idea is that you do her DVD for 20 minutes a day and after 30 days you have abs / buns / biceps of steel (or maybe a bit less wobbly than they were) There’s also the “Insanity” workout, which is a 60 day workout and you purchase it off a shopping channel. From what I can workout it’s some guy screaming at you from the tele and at the end of 60 days of burpees, lunges and laying on the floor pretending to ride a bike you get a t-shirt with “insanity” on it, which apparently “you can’t buy”, well actually I could because I get Vistaprint to make me one, so egg on your face Shaun T!

  Anyway, after 37 years of living, one of the things I know about me is that I get bored if I have to do the same thing everyday, so I decided to do my own 30 Day shred. Basically everyday for 30 days I have to do some form of activity. This can be a dog walk or a trip to the gym and I’ve even decided to try some classes I’ve never done before. The idea is that after 30 days I’m enjoying myself so much I’ll carry on, therefore boosting my Slinky journey.

  As you’ll see, I started this last Wednesday and on Friday, there was a mini-blip, but last night I decided I would try a gym class I’d never been to, so I thought I’d bed myself in gently with “Body Balance”, to me this sounded like a serene yoga type class with lots of stretching and plinky plonky music. Oh dear!

  I think if you’ve read my blog a lot, you’ll know I have a fear of gyms and exercise classes in general. Exercise classes for me are like Agatha Christie books, there’s always the same sort of characters there, stereotypes if you prefer. I say NORMALLY, because not all gym instructors are the same, some are actually quite nice.

  INSTRUCTOR                       

• These people don’t walk they strut, they start every class with “anyone have any injuries I should know about”, then if you tell them, they say “well just take it steady” 
• They also think a Madonna type headset makes them Madonna and feel the need to sing along to the music, it doesn’t, so please stop.  
• They also have no microphone technique, which as someone who worked in radio for years, really bugs me, put it at a reason able distance from your mouth so I can tell what you’re saying, this isn’t British Rail!

SUPERFIT THINKS SHE / HE SHOULD BE TEACHING THE CLASS

• They “think” they’re best friends with the instructor and will shout out helpful tips during the class or indulge in a private joke with the instructor.
• The instructor privately thinks this person is a tit.

MAN WHO GETS OUT EQUIPMENT FOR YOUNGER HOT LADIES IN CLASS

• Feels like because he’s in the gym he has a free pass to chat people up, only bothers to get matts and weights out for the hot women. 
• He remembers random details from things they might have said in passing, as though they were actually friends.
• She thinks he's a tit.

SUPERFIT AND 60

• These people are my favourite; they’ve been doing classes for years, have no fear and basically don’t break a sweat.

THE ‘WE JUST NEED A BREAK FROM THE KIDS”

• These people don’t care about the class, they will do anything and everything to get out the house for bit and not have to watch “In the Night Garden” for an hour

 Then there’s always a fatty, which in the last few years has been me. I’m the one who everyone stares at when she walks in, because they’re thinking “she’s never going to get through this without having a heart attack” I always make sure I’m at the back of the class, so my bouncing rolls of flesh cause the least amount of offense. However last night, the teacher tricked us all and did the class the other way round so I ended up at the front! 

   Now I have to say, this instructor was lovely and when I told her about my gammy ankle, she actually told me, where I needed to be careful and gave me an alternative. My vision of body balance being a serene affair was shattered when James Arthur kicked in singing “Impossible” and we went into a downward facing dog (a yoga position which has you balancing on all 4’s) we then had to take one foot off the ground and hold that position. The “balance” as I soon discovered involved holding lots of one-legged positions and “leaning into them” i.e. standing on one leg and trying to go into a sitting down position. I did feel sorry for the man on the mat behind me, who spent most of the class looking at my huge arse and for the woman in front of me who got a glimpse of my belly on a few occasions (neither pleasant) and just to generally everyone in the class who must have wondered how on earth I was dripping with so much sweat when they all looked just a little flush. In fact I was so sweaty even my contact lenses steamed up and I can tell you that's not pleasant!

  Still after the class the instructor took the time to see if I was OK and if I’d enjoyed it and the answer was yes to both, even though today, any movement of my tummy muscles makes me cry. I will go back next week and I will continue my version of the 30 day shred trying new stuff along the way. On Thursday me and my friend Debbie are playing badminton, which should be fun as neither of us can remember the rules!