30-Day Shred

Today has not been my most successful weigh in ever, I’ve put on 4 ½ pounds, which is my largest weight gain since I started weight watchers, so I am really not proud of myself! I knew my late night scampi and chips and weekend wine would catch up with me, so I guess I really only have myself to blame! I did however bravely admit to my misdemeanour in class and got “done” (Nottinghamshire term for told off) by my old mate Karen, seeing her little disappointed face made me feel even more guilty, I think she was borderline making me drop and give her 10, but luckily for me another member with a cheese and biscuit fetish came to my rescue.

 I have decided that I am going to do my own version of the “30 Day Shred”, for those of you who aren’t aware of it, it’s a workout put together by Jillian Michaels, one of the trainers from “The Biggest Loser”. The idea is that you do her DVD for 20 minutes a day and after 30 days you have abs / buns / biceps of steel (or maybe a bit less wobbly than they were) There’s also the “Insanity” workout, which is a 60 day workout and you purchase it off a shopping channel. From what I can workout it’s some guy screaming at you from the tele and at the end of 60 days of burpees, lunges and laying on the floor pretending to ride a bike you get a t-shirt with “insanity” on it, which apparently “you can’t buy”, well actually I could because I get Vistaprint to make me one, so egg on your face Shaun T!

  Anyway, after 37 years of living, one of the things I know about me is that I get bored if I have to do the same thing everyday, so I decided to do my own 30 Day shred. Basically everyday for 30 days I have to do some form of activity. This can be a dog walk or a trip to the gym and I’ve even decided to try some classes I’ve never done before. The idea is that after 30 days I’m enjoying myself so much I’ll carry on, therefore boosting my Slinky journey.

  As you’ll see, I started this last Wednesday and on Friday, there was a mini-blip, but last night I decided I would try a gym class I’d never been to, so I thought I’d bed myself in gently with “Body Balance”, to me this sounded like a serene yoga type class with lots of stretching and plinky plonky music. Oh dear!

  I think if you’ve read my blog a lot, you’ll know I have a fear of gyms and exercise classes in general. Exercise classes for me are like Agatha Christie books, there’s always the same sort of characters there, stereotypes if you prefer. I say NORMALLY, because not all gym instructors are the same, some are actually quite nice.

  INSTRUCTOR                       

• These people don’t walk they strut, they start every class with “anyone have any injuries I should know about”, then if you tell them, they say “well just take it steady” 
• They also think a Madonna type headset makes them Madonna and feel the need to sing along to the music, it doesn’t, so please stop.  
• They also have no microphone technique, which as someone who worked in radio for years, really bugs me, put it at a reason able distance from your mouth so I can tell what you’re saying, this isn’t British Rail!

SUPERFIT THINKS SHE / HE SHOULD BE TEACHING THE CLASS

• They “think” they’re best friends with the instructor and will shout out helpful tips during the class or indulge in a private joke with the instructor.
• The instructor privately thinks this person is a tit.

MAN WHO GETS OUT EQUIPMENT FOR YOUNGER HOT LADIES IN CLASS

• Feels like because he’s in the gym he has a free pass to chat people up, only bothers to get matts and weights out for the hot women. 
• He remembers random details from things they might have said in passing, as though they were actually friends.
• She thinks he's a tit.

SUPERFIT AND 60

• These people are my favourite; they’ve been doing classes for years, have no fear and basically don’t break a sweat.

THE ‘WE JUST NEED A BREAK FROM THE KIDS”

• These people don’t care about the class, they will do anything and everything to get out the house for bit and not have to watch “In the Night Garden” for an hour

 Then there’s always a fatty, which in the last few years has been me. I’m the one who everyone stares at when she walks in, because they’re thinking “she’s never going to get through this without having a heart attack” I always make sure I’m at the back of the class, so my bouncing rolls of flesh cause the least amount of offense. However last night, the teacher tricked us all and did the class the other way round so I ended up at the front! 

   Now I have to say, this instructor was lovely and when I told her about my gammy ankle, she actually told me, where I needed to be careful and gave me an alternative. My vision of body balance being a serene affair was shattered when James Arthur kicked in singing “Impossible” and we went into a downward facing dog (a yoga position which has you balancing on all 4’s) we then had to take one foot off the ground and hold that position. The “balance” as I soon discovered involved holding lots of one-legged positions and “leaning into them” i.e. standing on one leg and trying to go into a sitting down position. I did feel sorry for the man on the mat behind me, who spent most of the class looking at my huge arse and for the woman in front of me who got a glimpse of my belly on a few occasions (neither pleasant) and just to generally everyone in the class who must have wondered how on earth I was dripping with so much sweat when they all looked just a little flush. In fact I was so sweaty even my contact lenses steamed up and I can tell you that's not pleasant!

  Still after the class the instructor took the time to see if I was OK and if I’d enjoyed it and the answer was yes to both, even though today, any movement of my tummy muscles makes me cry. I will go back next week and I will continue my version of the 30 day shred trying new stuff along the way. On Thursday me and my friend Debbie are playing badminton, which should be fun as neither of us can remember the rules!