Don't Say Bum It's Naughty

My week of back to basics has started to work and I lost a pound this week! I’ve given myself a massive talking to and I’ve worked hard at upping my exercise, trips to the gym, walking the dog and even spring cleaning the office, which involved lots of lifting things. Every little bonus point helps! I’ve also experimented in the kitchen, in more ways than seeing if watering my houseplant will bring it back to life!

  I went through my cookbook and this week, I’ve made banana and peanut butter muffins, which were nice, even if they did have soggy bottoms. Which was the review my friend Gripper gave them…. At least I think he was talking about the muffins!

Banana & peanut butter muffins ingredients

The soggy bottomed muffins

  I also made bacon and chilli pasta and a salmon and prawn pie. All from Weight Watchers recipes and all Katie-cooking friendly, and they actually tasted pretty good!

making the pie

  As my reward, I treated myself to a couple of trashy magazines. I love reading about random celebrities; how they’re swearing off men following their latest heartbreakingly devastating relationship breakup, only for the following week to be seen out and about with a new mystery man. I love the stories about the beauty treatments I should try; a £1000 liquid gold facial sounds like something I’ll definitely not be trying. I’m also running an unofficially tally as to exactly how many pages in one magazine can be dedicated to the cast of TOWIE (13 out of 90 in this week’s “NOW”)

 My favourite article was all about “Bumology” I’ve only just got my head round what a “Belfie” is (a bum selfie) Apparently Bumology allows you to tell all about someone from the shape and size of their bums. So just in case you're planning on picking your future friends by the size of their arses, these are the categories. (said in my best award announcing voice)

·       The Square Bum as seen on people like Cameron Diaz. Square bummed people are laidback and not good at making decisions.

·       The Heart-Shaped bum – as seen on Rihanna, these people are romantic, loyal and sensitive.

·       The Pear Shaped bum, think Mercedes from “Hollyoaks”, these people are ruthless, but also make good friends.

·       The Flat Bum, these flat-bottomed people are like Katie Price and they tend to be obsessed with work and can be negative.

·       The Pert Bum, unsurprisingly Cheryl Cole falls into this category and if you’ve got a pert bottom you’re artistic, creative and great friends with Simon Cowell (one of those things may be a lie)

·       The Full Round Bum, I think this is me, because I think it's a polite way of saying "has a lot of junk in the trunk" apparently having a big bum makes me sensitive with a short fuse (particularly when someone mentions my big bottom) defensive, stubborn and opinionated, but on the plus side my big bum makes caring and allows me to think I'm a goddess.

Reading the article it felt a little bit like reading your horoscopes for the year in January, I was reading the description of what a fat bottomed girl is like (sorry lady with a full round bum) and nodding, yes I am like that, I AM sensitive, I AM stubborn and I DO think I’m a goddess!

   As I read the article, I realised that playing in my head were the lyrics to a song my Dad made up when we were little, it goes

“Don’t say bum it’s naughty, don’t say bum it’s rude, don’t say bum it’s naughty, don’t say bum to me”

Surprising really that Dad never made it in the song writing Hall of Fame alongside the likes of Lennon and McCartney. Still I’m sure if there’s ever a TV show called “Celebrity Bumology” Dad would be happy to negotiate a fee for them to use his song as the theme tune!

  My full round bottom and I are off to the gym later to try and continue my Slinky quest to make my bottom a little less full and a little less round!

PS - It's the National Blog Awards tomorrow night so wish me luck that I bring home the award in the Lifestyle category!  

"I Look Like a Pregnant Andy Pandy"

There’s an episode of “Sex and the City”, where Carrie proclaims she doesn’t like Internet shopping, because shopping is her cardio. Now don’t get me wrong, I too love shopping, but the type of shopping I enjoy these days is wandering around gift shops buying stuff for my house that I don’t really need.

Everyone needs a candle holder that lights up to show their name right?

  As I lose weight, I’m starting to like clothes shopping a bit more too, particularly as communal dressing rooms seem to have been banished. Did anyone actually like getting changed in them? I reckon even Victoria’s Secret Model’s who are a rare breed of woman, would have crinkled their perfectly formed noses and squiged themselves into the corner of the room so no one could look at them.

I have a love / hate relationship with trying clothes on, and the main reason is the assistants who stand as guardians of the door. I’m sure it’s in my head, but as a curvaceous beauty when I try something on, even if it fits perfectly, but I don’t like it as I hand it back, I feel as though she’s saying “I could have told you that size would never have fit YOU fatty bum-bum” I’m sure she isn’t, she’d probably thinking “bugger, now I’ve got to walk across the shop and put it back”

  There are two stock phrases I utter as I hand back clothes.

1. “I don’t like it”
2. “I’ll leave it thanks” (thrusting the item at the assistant and offering no further explanation)

I never tell them it doesn’t fit; it’s not their business, even if I think they’ve probably heard me wailing in the changing room and can see I now resemble a member of KISS.

  I have a number of “do’s” coming up; the UK Blog Awards (have I mentioned recently that Slinky By Tuesday” is up for an award? We are, thank you) and my friend’s wedding in May. (No I haven’t left it till the last minute I have plenty of time to sort an outfit, hat, shoes and bag!)

  I decided to order myself a navy blue jumpsuit, because I had an idea that it would be sophisticated and elegant.

I prefer online shopping for items I have no idea whether they’ll fit me or not, it saves embarrassment. So getting my jumpsuit and in my head the perfect wedding outfit home, I tried it on. It fit! I could zip it up, which is always a bonus. Heading to the mirror, I was horrified to see that rather than a sophisticated elegant wedding guest, I looked like a pregnant Andy Pandy! (minus the hat)

  The outfit may have zipped over my bootylicious booty, but it stretched over my tummy like I was a celebrity in “OK” magazine doing the obligatory “I’m 3 months pregnant, so will cuddle my partner and smile smugly pose” Taking it off and shoving it back in the bag, I put on my pyjamas because they have an elasticated waist!

 However this tale of woe has a happy ending. The very next day, a pair of skinny jeans I had ordered arrived, I very nearly just left them in the bag and sent them back without trying them on, but I didn’t! These jeans are a size less than I have been wearing and fit perfectly! I’ve also found dresses for the awards and my friends wedding both a size less than normal and both fit perfectly!

“You Can’t Go In There Unless You’re Going to Buy Something” My Gran and Other Tall Tales!

Firstly a massive thank you! On Monday morning, I woke up to this e-mail (well actually I saw it at 4.29am, but who can you share good news with at that time in a morning?)

  “Slinky By Tuesday” has made it to the shortlist in the Lifestyle category for the UK Blog Awards. As the first part of the process is being voted for by members of the public I am absolutely over the moon, I genuinely can’t thank the people who voted enough!

  It also means that we are off to a swanky award ceremony in London on the 25^th April and that means looking fabulous! It’s also given me a bit of a weight loss kick up the bottom. I’ve been struggling the last few weeks to shift my holiday weight; it’s been half a pound here, a pound there, but nothing that’s really been significant. However the arrival of the e-mail was just the boost I needed and even though it’s only Wednesday, I’ve already been to the gym twice this week and have worked out when I can go again, whilst still fitting in all the other things I need to! I think it’s called “planning”

  I’ve discovered that I like going to the gym first thing, mainly because it’s done for the day and it actually leaves me feeling smug! There’s something about taking 45 minutes out at the start of the day to do something for myself that seems to clear my mind and put me in a good mood. Although this video, looks more "Blair Witch" than Happy Katie!

  I noticed this morning, that rather than the usual mix of TOWIE-tanned muscle men lifting weights and grunting out of time to the music,  my gym is full of slightly older people. I reckon most of the people there were 60 plus. In fact I had a lovely conversation in the changing rom with two ladies in their 70’s who were off for their morning swim.

  I can’t tell you how much I admire this. It made me think about my Gran. My Grandma Mable was a weird contradiction, in many ways formidable and strong and in others afraid to try things, but ultimately she never did things by halves.

  She never went on an aeroplane until she was 56 and then she flew to Australia (as a passenger, she didn’t suddenly fulfil a lifelong ambition to become Amelia Earheart) She never had an operation until one day she fell and broke her hip, even then when the ambulance men came to fetch her she refused to sit in the wheelchair and she was carted off, with one of them saying “I bet you’re a rum old bugger Mable” Whilst she was in there, they discovered she had problems with her bowels and performed an emergency operation on Christmas Eve. We were told not to expect her to last the night (“Merry Christmas”) She did and lived another very happy 10 years complete with a Zimmer frame (or a zither as she called it), a dodgy heart and two colostomy bags! I always felt a lesser woman would have given up, but not her!

Gran and I, Christmas 2005

  For all her strength, she refused to try new things, and to get herself out of stuff, she would make up really weird excuses. Excuses so weird, that there was no way they couldn't be true, either that or maybe I was a REALLY gullible child! 

  For example, she would take Lucy and I on regular trips to Sutton. These trips would include getting the 345 bus, a visit to Fine Fare, fish and chips and a visit to the shops. If there was a shop Gran didn't want to go in, she would tell us that there were certain shops in the world, that you couldn't go in unless you bought something. Gran would tell us that they had people on the door making sure that you had a carrier bag with something in that you'd bought from there. We would stand outside the shop, hand on the doorknob and Gran would say "of course if you KNOW you want to buy something, then we'll go in, but I don't want you getting into trouble"  It never occurred to me and Lucy that these shops were mainly toy, sweet and pet shops! 

   She also never came swimming with us; I remember her telling me once that this was because people over 50 weren’t allowed to wear swimsuits. This scared me and as a result, I felt I should spend as much time in my swimsuit as possible! It made me  wonder what on earth happened to you if you did wear a swimsuit after the age of 50. Did you get sent to prison? Were you fined? How was it policed? Did David Hasselhoff roam the beaches of southern England demanding to see birth certificates and then carting off offenders to bared beach huts “to think about what they’ve done”

Gran and a weird blowy thing from a Christmas cracker!

  I think it’s because of this that whenever I see an older person taking part in an exercise class, pounding the treadmill or preparing for an early morning swim, it just makes me smile, because I think good on you! I also worry they’ll probably get arrested!

Gran, Grandpa, me as a baby and our dog Mitch