Getting to Know You

For my Slinky mission, as well as setting myself a weight loss goal, I also set myself a target of generally being more confident in myself.

  Whenever I say to anyone I have no confidence they look at me like I’m crazy. I’m someone who worked in radio for 12 years, during which time I presented a breakfast show, hosted events, did talks and lived by the motto “tits and teeth” No matter how bad I was feeling inside I would always manage to force a smile and do  what was asked of me professionally.

  The flip side of this, was that I was pretty much scared of my own shadow, I would never walk into a restaurant first to ask if they had a table, I’d avoid any social situations where I might get separated from people I felt safe around. If I were out and about on my own and I was lost or couldn’t find something in a shop, I wouldn’t ask for help, because that meant speaking to a stranger. Instead I would wander around lost, traipsing up and down supermarket aisles. I once got myself so lost in London,  I walked around for about two hours before I worked out where I was. As a result I always left far earlier than I needed to, to get to places just in case I got lost. This is a habit I’m yet to break, but I think it’s more to do with I hate tardiness. I think people being late is incredibly rude, it’s like saying “I don’t care enough about you to be on time”

  The reason for all of this wasn’t my weight as such, my weight gain started when I was stalked. Saying being stalked is an awful thing to happen to you sort of undersells it a bit. It strips away at your freedom, your life, your personality and then when it’s kicked the shit out of your life it makes a start on affecting the lives of those close to you.

A selection of the letters I received

  I was receiveing letters from my stalker for a year before I acted and when I did, even though back in the day, Stalking didn’t exist as a crime, Nottinghamshire police were brilliant and there are a few officers I can never repay for their help and care.

  Weirdly long after he’d been to prison for harassment and a life-long restraining order put in place and I’d moved half way around the world, moved house and swapped jobs. The fear and affect of what he did to me lingered on.

  I am a comfort eater and so stuffing my face was far easier than thinking about him. My stalker was and really is still a stranger so I think that’s why I spent years backing away from being in situations where I had to speak to people I didn’t know, because what if I said something that made them stalk me too?

  The eating continued and then after the deaths of my Mum, My Gran and two of my best friends all within 3 years of each other my eating was out of control.

  In October 2012, I took back control and in the last week I realised just how far I’ve come. My weight is coming off, slowly, we’ve had a few blips, but we are getting there and my confidence is getting better.

  Last week was my best friend’s wedding and she’d asked me to do a reading. I’ve hosted hundreds of things and never been nervous, but I think that’s because there’s a “work Katie” and an actual Katie. Actual Katie spent the weeks leading up to the wedding dreaming she’d forgotten to get dressed to do the reading, forgetting to take it with her and then that a friend had stolen it out of my handbag! The reality was I did it and then at the reception, I found I wasn’t sat next to my sister, but at a table full of people I’d never met before. The old Katie would have vomited in her handbag and not said a word to anyone just in case, but the new me had a marvellous time and met some very lovely people!

I also wanted to say a massive congratulations to my friend Stuart for being named Slimming World's Biggest Loser! He's a great bloke and a true inspiration!

"I Look Like a Pregnant Andy Pandy"

There’s an episode of “Sex and the City”, where Carrie proclaims she doesn’t like Internet shopping, because shopping is her cardio. Now don’t get me wrong, I too love shopping, but the type of shopping I enjoy these days is wandering around gift shops buying stuff for my house that I don’t really need.

Everyone needs a candle holder that lights up to show their name right?

  As I lose weight, I’m starting to like clothes shopping a bit more too, particularly as communal dressing rooms seem to have been banished. Did anyone actually like getting changed in them? I reckon even Victoria’s Secret Model’s who are a rare breed of woman, would have crinkled their perfectly formed noses and squiged themselves into the corner of the room so no one could look at them.

I have a love / hate relationship with trying clothes on, and the main reason is the assistants who stand as guardians of the door. I’m sure it’s in my head, but as a curvaceous beauty when I try something on, even if it fits perfectly, but I don’t like it as I hand it back, I feel as though she’s saying “I could have told you that size would never have fit YOU fatty bum-bum” I’m sure she isn’t, she’d probably thinking “bugger, now I’ve got to walk across the shop and put it back”

  There are two stock phrases I utter as I hand back clothes.

1. “I don’t like it”
2. “I’ll leave it thanks” (thrusting the item at the assistant and offering no further explanation)

I never tell them it doesn’t fit; it’s not their business, even if I think they’ve probably heard me wailing in the changing room and can see I now resemble a member of KISS.

  I have a number of “do’s” coming up; the UK Blog Awards (have I mentioned recently that Slinky By Tuesday” is up for an award? We are, thank you) and my friend’s wedding in May. (No I haven’t left it till the last minute I have plenty of time to sort an outfit, hat, shoes and bag!)

  I decided to order myself a navy blue jumpsuit, because I had an idea that it would be sophisticated and elegant.

I prefer online shopping for items I have no idea whether they’ll fit me or not, it saves embarrassment. So getting my jumpsuit and in my head the perfect wedding outfit home, I tried it on. It fit! I could zip it up, which is always a bonus. Heading to the mirror, I was horrified to see that rather than a sophisticated elegant wedding guest, I looked like a pregnant Andy Pandy! (minus the hat)

  The outfit may have zipped over my bootylicious booty, but it stretched over my tummy like I was a celebrity in “OK” magazine doing the obligatory “I’m 3 months pregnant, so will cuddle my partner and smile smugly pose” Taking it off and shoving it back in the bag, I put on my pyjamas because they have an elasticated waist!

 However this tale of woe has a happy ending. The very next day, a pair of skinny jeans I had ordered arrived, I very nearly just left them in the bag and sent them back without trying them on, but I didn’t! These jeans are a size less than I have been wearing and fit perfectly! I’ve also found dresses for the awards and my friends wedding both a size less than normal and both fit perfectly!

"This Last One is Just Right" Well If That's OK With You? If It's Not Then, I'm Sorry!

I have many good qualities; here are some of them;

• I am good company
• I am funny
• I have nice hair
• I have lovely eyes
• I am loyal
• I am a good friend.

This morning, I discovered there was something I am not good at. Making porridge.

The pan after my porridge making skills…hmmmm tasty!

This week, my weight loss has stayed the same. I have my friends hen do and wedding coming up and it will be very glamorous, I want to be able to wear something that doesn’t contain the same amount of material as the marquee, so I've decided it's time to mix it up a bit! You know what they say "you do what you've always done, you get what you always got" I think I need to give myself a kickstart.

  Lots of people in my weight watchers class have been trying the Simple Start / Filling and healthy plan over the last couple of weeks and have had some good results, so I’ve figured I may as well try it too! Although I may need to work on my porridge making skills, if I’m to survive!

  I think I’ve made leaps and bounds in dealing with my panic attacks and depression and although occasionally they still happen, I can handle them better than before.  I also think I’m generally more positive than I have been in the last few years, and although some people think it's nonsense I've found the works of Rhonda Byrne really helpful. However there’s one thing I am still REALLY bad at and that’s taking compliments.

  It occurred to me the other day as I was in Sainsburys with my Dad waiting for a jacket potato (yes I know a weird place to start pondering lives great mysteries) Behind us was a group of women. One of the ladies (who was probably a size 8) was saying how hungry she was and how she was going to have something hot and one of the other ladies (who was probably a size 18) said she was just going to have a sandwich. The skinnier lady said “is that all you’re having?” and the larger lady justified it by saying “I don’t really eat a lot, I know judging by the size of me, you think I do, but I really don’t”

  Immediately I thought, why are you saying that? If you just want a sandwich have one, you don’t have to justify it. Then I realised I do exactly the same thing ALL the time! I've eaten stuff and then heard myself saying "I didn't have time for breakfast / lunch" or when someone has uttered the immortal "one won't kill you line" made a joke about my diet and justified why I want to lose weight, rather than just saying no!

  A few months ago, I remember telling someone that we were off to Cancun for Christmas.  They replied with “well don’t you have a lovely life” This is true, I do, I am very lucky, for lots of different reasons and I am grateful for that. Rather than saying “thanks” I felt the need to justify why something nice should be happening to me. So I found myself explaining about my Mum’s death. 

A family selfie

   So this week my plan is simple.

1. Get better at making porridge
2. Learn to accept compliments!
3. Ask for help when I need it!

On that note, if you haven’t, then if you could take the time to vote for my blog in the UK Blog awards that would be marvellous, it will take you seconds and allow me to practise number 2. So when they say, “well done Katie. Your blog is fabulous, you’ve won an award”, I will simply say “why thank you”

Voting closes on Sunday.

Fat Girls Don't Don't Dance....But Slinky Ones Do!

When I started writing this blog, I promised myself I would be honest. So rather than pretend my first weigh in for 3 weeks "wasn't that bad" I've put on 6 whole pounds! Ouch! Although I’ve been a Slinky Angel this last week, so I can only imagine what the actual damage REALLY was, so I'm assuming I've actually lost weight since I got back from holiday! What? I’m a journalist, we like to manipulate facts!

  Anyway that aside it’s a new year and unlike everyone else in the world, I decided to leave my return to the gym until a week after everyone else and here's why. The first week of a new year, gyms are full of people in new trainers doing lunges, I figure tomorrow we’ll be a week into the new year and some of those people will have decided to retire with an early groin strain.

  2014 is also the year I’m going to be more confident about my body, even though I’m losing weight (this week aside!) I know that most mornings if I'm misfortunate enough to catch a naked glimpse of myself in the mirror, I pick a dozen things I don’t like. So I've decided that now when I step out the shower I MAKE myself look at me naked and pick something that I do like about me. Most mornings it’s my eyes and hair, but hey they’re good eyes and hair, and focusing on what’s right with me is far better than letting my thunder thighs ruin my day!

  I was watching “Splash” on Saturday night (feel free to judge, even I’m appalled at myself) and it bugged the living daylights out of me how they treated Gemma Collins (blonde girl from “TOWIE”) they did anything and everything to avoid mentioning her weight. They spoke about how scared she was of heights, her bruises, and then patronisingly praised her. It’s the same on shows like “Strictly Come Dancing” and “Dancing on Ice” no one expects the fattie to do well. Look at the criticism Lisa Riley received before she’d even zipped on a sequin frock and yet she was brilliant.

  It set me thinking, when you’re fat, the majority of the time you feel a bit crap about yourself, despite the myth of the "jolly fat person" That's really just Santa and I bet even he has days where he thinks "oh go away, with your bowl full of jelly nonsense". People who've never had a weight problem and I'm led to believe these mythical creatures do exist, say stuff like "well you’ve only got yourself to blame you shovelled the food down your neck" and to a point they’re right. Except they’re not! For me, my eating problems started because I was looking for some way to make myself feel better from all the bad stuff that was happening in my life. I didn’t do it because I was in training for the Biscuit Boost eating Olympics, I did it because I was miserable! So as funny as those people thought it was to refer to me as “Fat Katie” or offer everyone else in the office a cake, but me (this was the favourite trick of a “lady” I like to call Vile Scabby Fanny) all it did was make me feel even worse and go home and eat even more, so how did that help?

  In 2014, I am going to learn to love every single inch of me. From my ridiculously large boobs (which I actually quite like) to my squidgy belly,  to my too much junk in my trunk ass; I’m going to adore them! As a result my New Years resolution is to try something that’s going to make people either laugh at me behind my back and say things like “hilarious, she actually thinks she can do that, she's far too fat!” to “Are you sure?” I’ve signed up for pole dancing lessons. I am fortunate enough to have friends who when I messaged them and said there’s 6 pole dancing lessons on Group on for a tenner fancy it? They said yes!

By the end of 6 weeks I will be able to do this & look like this •disclaimer* maybe / sort of / isn

 I know it will be hard, I know I will have aches in places I didn’t know I had places, but I’m going to give it a go. When I’ve done that I’m signing myself up for Burlesque lessons! Why? Because I think not only will it be a laugh, but also both things are about feeling sexy and confident and that’s what Slinky is all about. No matter what your size you should be able to feel sexy and confident and happy with who you are!

PS - If anyone is aware of any Nottinghamshire Burlesque classes please let me know, I'm ready to unleash my inner Dita Von Tease!