Getting to Know You

For my Slinky mission, as well as setting myself a weight loss goal, I also set myself a target of generally being more confident in myself.

  Whenever I say to anyone I have no confidence they look at me like I’m crazy. I’m someone who worked in radio for 12 years, during which time I presented a breakfast show, hosted events, did talks and lived by the motto “tits and teeth” No matter how bad I was feeling inside I would always manage to force a smile and do  what was asked of me professionally.

  The flip side of this, was that I was pretty much scared of my own shadow, I would never walk into a restaurant first to ask if they had a table, I’d avoid any social situations where I might get separated from people I felt safe around. If I were out and about on my own and I was lost or couldn’t find something in a shop, I wouldn’t ask for help, because that meant speaking to a stranger. Instead I would wander around lost, traipsing up and down supermarket aisles. I once got myself so lost in London,  I walked around for about two hours before I worked out where I was. As a result I always left far earlier than I needed to, to get to places just in case I got lost. This is a habit I’m yet to break, but I think it’s more to do with I hate tardiness. I think people being late is incredibly rude, it’s like saying “I don’t care enough about you to be on time”

  The reason for all of this wasn’t my weight as such, my weight gain started when I was stalked. Saying being stalked is an awful thing to happen to you sort of undersells it a bit. It strips away at your freedom, your life, your personality and then when it’s kicked the shit out of your life it makes a start on affecting the lives of those close to you.

A selection of the letters I received

  I was receiveing letters from my stalker for a year before I acted and when I did, even though back in the day, Stalking didn’t exist as a crime, Nottinghamshire police were brilliant and there are a few officers I can never repay for their help and care.

  Weirdly long after he’d been to prison for harassment and a life-long restraining order put in place and I’d moved half way around the world, moved house and swapped jobs. The fear and affect of what he did to me lingered on.

  I am a comfort eater and so stuffing my face was far easier than thinking about him. My stalker was and really is still a stranger so I think that’s why I spent years backing away from being in situations where I had to speak to people I didn’t know, because what if I said something that made them stalk me too?

  The eating continued and then after the deaths of my Mum, My Gran and two of my best friends all within 3 years of each other my eating was out of control.

  In October 2012, I took back control and in the last week I realised just how far I’ve come. My weight is coming off, slowly, we’ve had a few blips, but we are getting there and my confidence is getting better.

  Last week was my best friend’s wedding and she’d asked me to do a reading. I’ve hosted hundreds of things and never been nervous, but I think that’s because there’s a “work Katie” and an actual Katie. Actual Katie spent the weeks leading up to the wedding dreaming she’d forgotten to get dressed to do the reading, forgetting to take it with her and then that a friend had stolen it out of my handbag! The reality was I did it and then at the reception, I found I wasn’t sat next to my sister, but at a table full of people I’d never met before. The old Katie would have vomited in her handbag and not said a word to anyone just in case, but the new me had a marvellous time and met some very lovely people!

I also wanted to say a massive congratulations to my friend Stuart for being named Slimming World's Biggest Loser! He's a great bloke and a true inspiration!

A Comforting Thought

Even though it’s only Wednesday, this week has been a little bit crazy already and November looks as though workwise it will be the same! I’m certainly not complaining, when you run your own business you want to be as busy as possible! Yesterday Lucy and I were working at an event and so we couldn’t make our normal class, instead we went in the evening. For some reason I always think I’ll weigh lighter in a morning, before my belly is full of tea, so I was pleased to have lost half a pound, because lets face it that’s a bag of sugar and they can be quite heavy!

  Although my “new” life is a bit bonkers at time, since I left my old one behind I know I am a lot happier and more positive. One of the reasons I put my weight on in the first place was down to comfort eating. Being stalked, the deaths of my Mum, Gran and two of my friends and then just generally being unhappy in my former workplace took its toll and my solace was food, normally chocolate or ice cream and as much of it as I could possibly eat. Over the last year I’ve pretty much kicked my comfort-eating habit and now if I feel a bit down I try and find happiness in something else, a book, a hot bath, a walk with Cyril anything that will boost my mood.

  Last week, that wasn’t the case. Last Wednesday was the fifth anniversary of my friend Matt’s death and for whatever reason it really hit me. Matt and I became friends when he came on work experience to Mansfield 103.2 and I think from the moment we met we were pretty much inseparable.

 In fact looking back I wonder how we avoided getting sacked, because we laughed every single day and got into a million scrapes. Even when Matt changed jobs it didn’t affect the friendship. I know some people believe men and women can’t be friends, but I think anyone who knew us, knew we were just best friends and would never be anything more because as much as we mucked about we also drove each other crazy! Matt was the sort of bloke who you could say to “fancy trying to recreate the dance off from American Pie the Wedding” and he’d say “hell yes” and that’s what we’d try and do. Weirdly I still have friends who I can say that to! (You know who you are!)

  Last week no amount of trying to cajole myself out of my mood worked and in the end it was my old friend Mr Cadbury who came to my rescue. As I ate every single last piece of chocolate I realised I wasn’t enjoying it at all, it wasn’t going to bring my friend back and it would probably lead to a weight gain (although I think I spent the rest of the week trying to make amends and fortunately it worked!)

  The thing is grief is a bitch and there’s no formula as to when you’ll suddenly feel better. I remember leaving the hospital after my Mum died and me, Dad and Lucy coming home and we had no idea what we should be doing. It was early hours of the morning, so we couldn’t phone anyone or do anything practical, we just sat there listening to the rain and watching the clock. 

  If you break your leg, the doctor can say to you, we’ll x-ray it, put you in plaster, it’ll be 6 weeks, we’ll take the pot off do physio and you’ll be OK, you know the sketch. With grief, who knows? 

  They say there are 5 stages of grief, denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I remember looking for something after Mum died that would tell me how I should be feeling. I found many websites who spoke about this and they all then sort of backtracked and said you might feel these in any order at anytime and there’s no telling when each stage will kick in. Helpful!

  So here’s my take on grief, you will miss whoever it is you’ve lost every single day. You miss them in varying amounts and in different ways, some days you will be absolutely fine and others it will just hit you like someone has walked up to you in the street and booted you clean in the stomach. This is all OK, it’s normal and above all it’s OK to miss someone, don’t pretend they never existed. Just don't let the grief define you, you're not Miss Havisham.

  So what I’ve told myself is that once in a while I’m allowed to feel sad and the occasional date with Mr Cadbury is OK, but it has to be rare and not the norm! There would have been a time where I would have let those feelings of sadness take over completely, but the next day, I put it behind me and got straight back on track, comfort eating never really offered me any comfort, it just made me fat and miserable and I’m on a mission to be slinky!