"Have You Heard the One About?"

If you read my blog regularly, then you’ll know that I am a huge believer in a book called “The Secret” The basic premise is “what you think about you bring about”, so if you transmit good, happy positive thoughts, then you will attract happy, good, positive situations. Over the last week, I must have been emitting “give me free chocolate vibes” 

   Since I was hypnotised 6 weeks ago into thinking that chocolate smells like dirty toilets, I haven’t touched it, however I’m clearly giving out a chocolaty vibe. Last week, a girl in Subway was insistent on trying to give me a free cookie (I refused) Last night at Weight Watchers, a fellow member had baked a carrot cake and offered it around the meeting (I refused) and then today I had to go to a breakfast meeting and the sponsor had decided to treat everyone there to this!

Mine is still sat in my handbag! Still all my chocolate refusal has paid off as I’ve managed to lose another pound this week – slowly, but surely it’s going!

I’m not moaning about people wanting to give me free stuff (although maybe I should alter my thoughts to those of a financial nature, free money never made anyone fat!) Last Friday night, my friend Laura treated us to a night out at a comedy club. I was driving as Lucy and I have decided to try and give up alcohol for Lent (9 days and going strong) however I entered a competition to win a bottle of “champagne” and lo and behold I won. The “champagne” which was more fizzy apple juice arrived at our table, open, although we didn't crack and have any!

  Although it’s always great to meet up with my besties for a night out, the comedy was decidedly sub-standard. Over the years I’ve seen some awesome comedians, including a guy called Trevor Noah, who is now one of my new favourites. If you’ve never heard of him, I highly recommend checking him out. He’s funny and gorgeous!

The hostess of the night, thought being funny involved saying the word “fanny” a lot, the first comedian was so nervous, I wanted to hold his hand throughout the act just to make him feel better and the second was like a really drunk Shaggy from “Scooby Doo’,  but really funny in a “please don’t hurt me” type of way.

 As the third comedian was getting ready to come on, I saw him approach a table of students and ask them to move to the empty table at the front as and said “the empty table would ruin the flow of his act and ruin his vibe” Having worked with people who regularly uttered things like “the chair in this studio is ruining my creativity” and “I can’t possibly work in this studio until the carpet is sorted” (What can I say for some people it’s all about the soft furnishings) I immediately recognised this guy as, what’s known in the trade as a “prize tosser”

 I wasn’t wrong! It turns out his act mainly consisted of hoping people were so drunk that they

a)     Didn’t notice he had no material

b)     Wouldn’t mind his insults

Sadly neither a or b applied to us or as it would appear, most of the people in the audience. There was a 40^th birthday party in, who I think would haver laughed had I put my dog Cyril on the stage and let him bark for 15 minutes.

  Sitting not too far from the front, I pretty much expected to be picked on, but when the world’s unfunniest comedian wandered into casual racism territory, it was a bit too much for me. I ended up telling him I was Russian, to which he replied “You’ve not rushed anywhere for a while love”, looking proud of himself he hadn’t expected a response, so when I said VERY loudly…

He actually looked surprised, alright, it's not an Oscar Wilde style retort, but the shock of a fatty fighting back, was enough to shock him. He then decided to move onto Lucy…a blonde joke never goes amiss right? So out came the “you’re blonde so you must be thick" lines. Again sadly for him, he’d never encountered someone like Lucy, (think the Bride from “Kill Bill” and you're in the ball park) I would have felt sorry for him, but he started it. Lucy has inherited my Mum's killer stare, which has withered far greater beings than an unfunny comedian from Essex.

  Having come up against the wrath of the really not bothered fatty and the not so dumb blonde, he then tried an Operation Yew Tree joke on a gentleman in the audience. The very sophisticated grey haired man, simply walked off to get a pint or maybe poke himself in the eye which might have been more entertaining, I’m not sure what he chose. 

Eventually he tried to finish his act with a song, which he wanted everyone to stand up for and sing along to. It was a cheap gag, but as the audience we took it and stayed seated. In fairness I could have done with a few extra activity points, but I decided I'd rather not earn them, than stand for him!