"Have You Heard the One About?"

If you read my blog regularly, then you’ll know that I am a huge believer in a book called “The Secret” The basic premise is “what you think about you bring about”, so if you transmit good, happy positive thoughts, then you will attract happy, good, positive situations. Over the last week, I must have been emitting “give me free chocolate vibes” 

   Since I was hypnotised 6 weeks ago into thinking that chocolate smells like dirty toilets, I haven’t touched it, however I’m clearly giving out a chocolaty vibe. Last week, a girl in Subway was insistent on trying to give me a free cookie (I refused) Last night at Weight Watchers, a fellow member had baked a carrot cake and offered it around the meeting (I refused) and then today I had to go to a breakfast meeting and the sponsor had decided to treat everyone there to this!

Mine is still sat in my handbag! Still all my chocolate refusal has paid off as I’ve managed to lose another pound this week – slowly, but surely it’s going!

I’m not moaning about people wanting to give me free stuff (although maybe I should alter my thoughts to those of a financial nature, free money never made anyone fat!) Last Friday night, my friend Laura treated us to a night out at a comedy club. I was driving as Lucy and I have decided to try and give up alcohol for Lent (9 days and going strong) however I entered a competition to win a bottle of “champagne” and lo and behold I won. The “champagne” which was more fizzy apple juice arrived at our table, open, although we didn't crack and have any!

  Although it’s always great to meet up with my besties for a night out, the comedy was decidedly sub-standard. Over the years I’ve seen some awesome comedians, including a guy called Trevor Noah, who is now one of my new favourites. If you’ve never heard of him, I highly recommend checking him out. He’s funny and gorgeous!

The hostess of the night, thought being funny involved saying the word “fanny” a lot, the first comedian was so nervous, I wanted to hold his hand throughout the act just to make him feel better and the second was like a really drunk Shaggy from “Scooby Doo’,  but really funny in a “please don’t hurt me” type of way.

 As the third comedian was getting ready to come on, I saw him approach a table of students and ask them to move to the empty table at the front as and said “the empty table would ruin the flow of his act and ruin his vibe” Having worked with people who regularly uttered things like “the chair in this studio is ruining my creativity” and “I can’t possibly work in this studio until the carpet is sorted” (What can I say for some people it’s all about the soft furnishings) I immediately recognised this guy as, what’s known in the trade as a “prize tosser”

 I wasn’t wrong! It turns out his act mainly consisted of hoping people were so drunk that they

a)     Didn’t notice he had no material

b)     Wouldn’t mind his insults

Sadly neither a or b applied to us or as it would appear, most of the people in the audience. There was a 40^th birthday party in, who I think would haver laughed had I put my dog Cyril on the stage and let him bark for 15 minutes.

  Sitting not too far from the front, I pretty much expected to be picked on, but when the world’s unfunniest comedian wandered into casual racism territory, it was a bit too much for me. I ended up telling him I was Russian, to which he replied “You’ve not rushed anywhere for a while love”, looking proud of himself he hadn’t expected a response, so when I said VERY loudly…

He actually looked surprised, alright, it's not an Oscar Wilde style retort, but the shock of a fatty fighting back, was enough to shock him. He then decided to move onto Lucy…a blonde joke never goes amiss right? So out came the “you’re blonde so you must be thick" lines. Again sadly for him, he’d never encountered someone like Lucy, (think the Bride from “Kill Bill” and you're in the ball park) I would have felt sorry for him, but he started it. Lucy has inherited my Mum's killer stare, which has withered far greater beings than an unfunny comedian from Essex.

  Having come up against the wrath of the really not bothered fatty and the not so dumb blonde, he then tried an Operation Yew Tree joke on a gentleman in the audience. The very sophisticated grey haired man, simply walked off to get a pint or maybe poke himself in the eye which might have been more entertaining, I’m not sure what he chose. 

Eventually he tried to finish his act with a song, which he wanted everyone to stand up for and sing along to. It was a cheap gag, but as the audience we took it and stayed seated. In fairness I could have done with a few extra activity points, but I decided I'd rather not earn them, than stand for him!

The Phone Call of Shame

“Ring Ring, Ring Ring” (or in my case, because my ringtone is “Uptown Funk”, it’s a quick burst of Bruno giving me some ...

ME: “Hello”

VOICE ON PHONE (VOP): “Is that Katie?”

ME: “Yes”

VOP: “hello, this is Matt from your gym, we just wondered if you were OK?”

ME: “Yes I’m fine, why?”

VOP: “well you haven’t been for a while and we wondered if we’d upset you?”

ME: “oh no not at all, I think the gym is wonderful and your teachers amazing, the staff are generally lovely, you haven’t upset me at all, I’ve just been really busy with work”

VOP: “Will you come back soon?”

ME: “Yes of course”

VOP: “When?

By the end of the conversation, I felt so guilty that I promised faithfully to go to the gym on Sunday morning and to go and find him to say hello, so he knew I’d kept to my word. I haven’t had boyfriends who cared about my welfare as much as Matt from the gym! Maybe I should date him!

  It did make me feel bad though, because oddly I really do enjoy going to the gym and I love Just Jhoom and Zumba and I even find it oddly enjoyable when I get to go first thing in a morning and spend half an hour on the treadmill listening to whatever randomly pops up on my iPod, although this is my new favourite work out tune at the moment!

The reason for causing my gym to worry is that I’ve genuinely been so busy with work and travelling around the country that I haven’t had time. The time I have had has been spent either catching up on housework or making sure the dogs are walked. Although apparently a 6-mile walk for Buddy wasn’t enough on Saturday!

Buddy wide awake & raring to go after his work....Cyril  having a kip!

 Even though I appear to have moved into my car, I have been sticking to my diet and on Tuesday faced a massive temptation! Lucy and I had to go to Portsmouth for a meeting and because we had allowed ourselves some “getting lost time”, which we didn’t we had time for a brew. Nipping into a branch of Subway, I ordered us a coffee and this is what happened.

ME: “2 coffees please”

LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER (LBTC): “would you like a cookie to go with it?”

ME: “no, thank you” (feeling virtuous, halo glowing a little brighter)

LBTC: “They’re free”

ME: “No, really it’s fine”

LBTC: “Would you like the receipt so you can have a free cookie, the next time you come in?”

ME: almost crying, “Please don’t make me eat the cookie”

  I appreciate the lady was just trying to be nice and having eaten Subway cookies in the past, I know they’re delicious, but and this is the weird thing; since I was hypnotized, I haven’t touched any form of chocolate, cake, biscuit or desert. I wasn’t sure I could say to the woman behind the counter, “the reason I don’t want your cookie, is because I’m fat and the reason I got fat was because I ate too many delicious cookies and now I’ve been hypnotized and so I think cookies smell like dirty toilets and taste like shit, so please stop offering me pieces of shit”

  Taking the positives from the week, I’ve made a new best friend from the gym and managed to clock up 5 weeks without any form of sweet stuff, I’m taking that as a win!